The challenge – we know relationships are import for our wellbeing (see last week’s blog), but we also know great communication builds great relationships, yet communication skills can always be sharpened and improved.
The science – positive communication builds strong social relationships, as it is not just about good communication when things are going wrong, it is also about good communication when things are going right!
The solution – Focus on other people’s positive news and when you hear it, focus on it and help them savour it. This will help build strong social connections.
“Mate, that really sucks you got that parking ticket! Thanks man, appreciate that.” Such dialogue between people builds strong relationships. “Mate, that’s bloody awesome you closed that deal. Tell me more! What was the best part about it? What did you do exactly?”. Such dialogue between people builds even stronger relationships and the following explains exactly why.
This is because the latter is an Active Constructive Response. An active constructive response is essentially responding to other’s good news with enthusiasm, energy, and engagement. This type of response acknowledge the persons good news so they fell understood, lets then remember and enjoy it more, and thus strengthens the relationship connection.
There are essentially four ways of responding, and active constructive responding has been shown to build solid, strong and lasting relationships the best:
Suppose that a colleague gets a promotion at work. These four types of responses could be something like:
Empirical studies suggest that using ‘active constructive responding’ is a good way to convey understanding, validation and caring, and to increase the wellbeing of your existing friends, as well as to make new friends and to encourage closer, more trusting relationships with them.
So if you want strong lasting relationships, you should listen carefully to people you care about, and when they report good events to you, respond actively and constructively to their good events. What this technique highlights is that giving enthusiastic and attentive feedback is very important in building positive on-going relationships. Don’t take people and key relationships for granted, instead consciously work to improve them. Small actions, such as positive communication at the right time, can drastically improve your relationships over time. It is these kinds of behaviours that do the most to strengthen the relationships in our lives, and we know good strong relationships build personal and group wellbeing. As mentioned in the last blog post, other people matter, so foster a sense of genuine interest and curiosity in others.
For more information:
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87, 228-245.
The science – positive communication builds strong social relationships, as it is not just about good communication when things are going wrong, it is also about good communication when things are going right!
The solution – Focus on other people’s positive news and when you hear it, focus on it and help them savour it. This will help build strong social connections.
“Mate, that really sucks you got that parking ticket! Thanks man, appreciate that.” Such dialogue between people builds strong relationships. “Mate, that’s bloody awesome you closed that deal. Tell me more! What was the best part about it? What did you do exactly?”. Such dialogue between people builds even stronger relationships and the following explains exactly why.
This is because the latter is an Active Constructive Response. An active constructive response is essentially responding to other’s good news with enthusiasm, energy, and engagement. This type of response acknowledge the persons good news so they fell understood, lets then remember and enjoy it more, and thus strengthens the relationship connection.
There are essentially four ways of responding, and active constructive responding has been shown to build solid, strong and lasting relationships the best:
- An Active Constructive Response involves expressing enthusiastic positive support.
- An Active Destructive Response involves expressing a derogatory or critical response.
- A Passive Constructive Response involves showing benign disinterest.
- A Passive Destructive Response involves distancing or failing to respond.
Suppose that a colleague gets a promotion at work. These four types of responses could be something like:
- Active Constructive Response = “That’s really great. Your wife/husband will be pretty proud of you. I know how important that promotion was to you. We should go out and celebrate”. During such communication the person is maintaining eye contact and displaying positive emotion, such as laughing or smiling.
- Active Destructive Response = “That sounds like a lot of responsibility to take on. There will probably be more stress involved in the new position and potentially longer hours at the office”. The person is displaying negative emotions, such as frowning or anxiety.
- Passive Constructive Response = “That’s good news”. The person is displaying little nonverbal communication.
- Passive Destructive Response = “What are we doing Friday afternoon?” The person does not acknowledge the good news, is not in eye contact, and may be turning away or leaving the room.
Empirical studies suggest that using ‘active constructive responding’ is a good way to convey understanding, validation and caring, and to increase the wellbeing of your existing friends, as well as to make new friends and to encourage closer, more trusting relationships with them.
So if you want strong lasting relationships, you should listen carefully to people you care about, and when they report good events to you, respond actively and constructively to their good events. What this technique highlights is that giving enthusiastic and attentive feedback is very important in building positive on-going relationships. Don’t take people and key relationships for granted, instead consciously work to improve them. Small actions, such as positive communication at the right time, can drastically improve your relationships over time. It is these kinds of behaviours that do the most to strengthen the relationships in our lives, and we know good strong relationships build personal and group wellbeing. As mentioned in the last blog post, other people matter, so foster a sense of genuine interest and curiosity in others.
For more information:
Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87, 228-245.
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